Writing for me either comes easy or is the most difficult task to undertake. Sometimes I wonder how exactly to get across what goes on in my mind; the flood of thoughts and emotions can be so vastly different and at odds with one another at any given time. I don’t know where to begin. And this is one of those times. I’ve never been good with opening up or letting walls down. It’s never been easy and I always end up blurting something uncomfortable out or getting upset after.
I’ve battled a lot within myself and my environment over a significant portion of the year. People normally would say that their heart hurts, but my heart doesn’t ache; rather it feels hallow and heavy. It’s almost as if it weighs more than my entire body.
I really do wish I could explain this right. It’s not as if I have a hole where my heart is supposed to be, and it’s not as if my heart is in pain or feels like it’s broken. It just feels empty. Like there’s nothing to grab onto. I’m constantly looking for that thing that will fill the void. Something that will lighten that weight. I’ve searched within so many places….food, sex, companionship. But I’m still searching. Food has led to a 30 lb weight gain; sex had led to dating men I didn’t really want to be with; and companionship has led to a broken heart. As time has gone by, the void has just gotten harder to deal with.
I’m started to look within myself, and at times I find it hard to figure out what it is that makes me feel free. I often text my friends to remind me when I hit an extremely empty point. I’ve been told do what makes you happy or find something you love. But I don’t think that they understand how hard that can be. How does coloring or reading give me fill me?
I know what I am. I’m a good daughter, sister, friend. I’m intelligent, beautiful, fun. I’m fantastic at my job and ambitious, but the hole lingers. You would think that at this point in time I would understand how to do this…how to fill that hole. Shouldn’t I have solved that by now? Shouldn’t I have figured out what energizes me or makes me feel fresh?