My mind is jumbled. There’s the way I feel and the way I know I should feel. It’s like yin and yang are dueling it out in my brain. Sometimes I’m not sure if it’s the panic disorder or if it’s because I’m a Gemini. It’s like I’m constantly at odds with myself and I can’t seem make sense of anything. I’m angry, hurt and confused. One minute I’m thinking about how I’m a good person, and the next, I can’t help but feeling like I’m not good enough. It’s like I don’t really know what I’m thinking or feeling at any given time.
A great portion of my life, I spent hearing how was useless, that no one would want me and that I wasn’t worth any effort. I had my head knocked into a wall, a life time of bruises and witnessed my brother thrown up stairs. Trying to balance out those feelings that keep resurfacing and who I am presently keeps my head spinning and I lose focus on what I am.
I believe in God so I know I am one of his children. I know he will be by my side through all of this and guide me. I’ve always made it through the storms and He’s always kept me safe. I talk to him as often as I can. Sometimes, if I find myself dwelling on the negative too much I just say God out loud. I normally need it the most in the morning when I’m preparing for my day and going through what I have to do.
I’m a loyal friend. I stand next to those people I care about through anything. I’d drop whatever I was doing if my loved ones and friends need me. I’m kind. I help others when I can. I give rides to old men who can barely walk, buy homeless men food and give to people when they need it.
I’m great at my job. I’m extremely competent and ambitious. I often run around taking on a lot of responsibility and holding shit down. I make sure things go smoothly and I always leave 100% when I’m there.
I’m beautiful. I have gorgeous eyes, a killer smile and beautiful dark wavy hair. I’m pale and have been told I look like Snow White when it snows. I’m soft, warm and I love my freckles.
Sometimes I just try my best to remember who I am and what I am not. Remembering isn’t always easy.