mental health · positivity · weight loss

Is this what rock bottom feels like?

I am a mess. If you couldn’t tell…. I’m always all over the place, and there are times when I feel crazy.  I don’t understand what’s wrong with me; yet at the same time, I can see    exactly why I feel so alone at times. Some days are good. Some days are bad.  Today is actually pretty good, but I still understand why I would be unwanted.  Now, I know that’s not fully true. I know I have friends and loved ones who do want me in their lives.  That’s the rational side of my thinking. God has blessed me with so much and with such incredible people.  I know that I’m lucky.  But there’s still that missing piece.

I mean, I felt so empty that I found myself crying during The Second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel.  Don’t get me wrong…Maggie Smith is brilliant, and many of her performances are tear worthy.  I really don’t think that her performance as Mrs. Donnelly is one of those.  It’s moment like that, when I’m laying in bed, and tears just flow that I wonder what the hell is going on with my emotions and my thinking.

Right now, I am fairly content but there’s still that longing.  I just spent a good evening cleaning, cooking and taking care of the pets.  I actually feel quite accomplished.  You’d think I’d be somewhat relaxed, but I’m slightly scared to turn in for the night. I’m nervous that the moment I lay down and try to end my day, I’ll feel that emptiness and a pull/longing to something that is out of my reach.

Sometimes I wonder if other people feel the same way.  If we’re all just walking around yearning for something that we can’t put our fingers on, but we don’t actually acknowledge it or tell anyone.  Why do we all remain so quiet?  Do we all stress over the stupid little things that we think don’t make sense?  Or am I really certifiably crazy?

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