When people say I’m your typical Gemini, what they really mean I’m multi-faceted and can change topics, opinions and moods in an instant. BUT, in my opinion, what they really mean is that I have a duel personality. There’s me…rational, fun giggly me. Then there’s my anxiety. To make it worse, I have more than just an anxiety disorder. I have panic disorder. Not a propensity for anxiety but a propensity for panic attacks. It’s like a whole other person living within me with its own thoughts that force a reaction from me.
I’ll start off with the best intentions, completely rational and mature ways of thinking. Then this little guy comes in and my world gets thrown upside down. It can be anything really.
Oh crap! I messed up on that document. Let me edit it quickly and send an updated version.
It doesn’t really matter. That’s one mistake too many. Your partners will complain and you’ll be fired. You won’t get a recommendation and then no one will hire you. You’ll have to move home and be pathetic living in your parents house at the age of 32. No one will want to be with a broke loser with no independence.
The holidays are over, and I definitely need to work on getting back into healthy eating.
You can go to the gym constantly, then have no life. You’ll be skinny but unhappy only to prove that you really hate yourself. If you truly hate yourself, no one will like you. Fuck the healthy eating. Have the brownie you love. Keep eating everyone’s favorite junk and be one of the gang.
I’m beautiful, caring and honestly a great catch. Love will come when I’m ready, and right now I know I’m not.
Everything you’re father said to you is right. You aren’t good enough to be truly loved and you will end up being alone and unloved just like him. No matter how good you try to be; no matter how many people you try to be there for; you’ll always end up just as he said.
My friends truly care for me and are there for me when I need them.
They are now, but be careful what you say. The one wrong move or thing and they’ll drop you. Talk too much and they’ll think you’re annoying. You’ll end up alone and unwanted. You’ll not be good enough.
My anxiety takes my fears and amplifies them beyond what I can cope with. On good days, I can control those fears, but on bad…I end up unfocused and emotionally all over the board. At the worst, I end up in a panic attack without a way to see myself out of fear. After that I end up lethargic for days. Constantly hearing the above takes a large toll, and learning how to drown out those thoughts, I have yet to master. Completely eradicating them at this point seems like a futile effort. Sometimes I wonder if I don’t have PTSD at times.
My anxiety and fear tell me a lot of things. But most of all, they tell me how much I’ve been effected by my relationship with my father. Now that he’s passed, I have no idea who to reconcile it. How do I learn to truly forgive and move on? How do I truly find peace?