anxiety · depression · Letting go · Life · mental health · mindfulness · Relationships · Uncategorized · weight loss

Around and Around We Go

I’ve said it many times.  I have an unhealthy relationship with food.  I recently went through a mild depression for several months.  I call it mild as I didn’t stop doing my normal day to day activities.  I still found the necessary energy to go to work, shower, etc., but other things fell off the wayside.  My weekend cardio was replaced with sleeping in bed and Netflix binges. My Terra chips, vegetables and hummus went out the window.  Cookies and brownies ended up in my pantry.

For several months, I just stopped.  I stopped being myself.  I stopped being in  control of my action and my emotions.  I let things flow in and out of me as freely as it desired, without thought of consequences. I know how irresponsible that is and that I would have to deal with them at some point. But they didn’t matter. Now as the summer arrives, and I’m feeling more like myself, they do.

I look in the mirror and struggle with what I see. The weight I’ve gained since February of last year is cause for alarm. I had spent so long getting to my lowest, and I let that hard work go to such waste. It’s difficult not be hard on myself for it.

Food is where I go when I feel I have no place to go or no one to talk to. It’s where I find support and caring. It’s not that I don’t have those things in my friends or family, but the connection and security I feel through food runs to my core. There’s almost a sense of security, control and defiance all at once when eating things that are not healthy or in over eating. It’s a big fuck you to the world. But in this instance, since the break up with the “Second,”  food has been a source of comfort, stability and acceptance. It seems to soothe the depression and makes me feel whole.

I know that’s not normal. I know it’s healthy to rely on food as source of comfort or self-soothing.  I should be able to dust myself off and plow through the emotions.  I guilt and often chastise myself for not being able to work through my feelings on my own.  The need to look outside myself for comfort makes me feel even worse.  I’m not quite sure how to stop it.

Since the break up in January 2015, I’ve gained a total of 40 lbs.  Something I’m extremely ashamed about.  I look in the mirror, completely disgusted that I let myself be controlled by my emotion and unable to exhibit to the self control needed to put an end to it.  I let my emotion, hopelessness and self doubt take hold within my heart, and I let it steer me.  It’s a sick and twist cycle.  The worse I feel, the more I eat.  The more I eat, the more weight I gain. The more weight I gain, the more I hate myself.

I was able to fight this cycle once, but it always feels harder when you have to restart.  I’m not sure where to begin, what I need to work on first.  A lot of it is will power and right now, it doesn’t feel like I have that.

How do you deal with your emotions? Are you able to control them?  How do you self soothe?


22 thoughts on “Around and Around We Go

  1. Hey there, my CoDa buddy (CoDependents Annonymous) has a similar struggle with food. If you’d like someone to talk to, I can connect the two of you? He’s had a lot of experience dealing with this over the years… Let me know… 😧

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Most of my weight is gained because I have PCOS and thyroid problems. No matter how hard I work, it never comes off and recently it’s just been building. I hear what you’re saying. I want to hide in a corner too. But there’s such an amazing world out there, just waiting for you to come have some fun. So, for now, just have fun.

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  3. I’ve always been the type of person to retreat and curl up into myself with my emotions, especially when going through trauma. It hasn’t always worked out that well for me because I never ask for help and end up stubbornly going through it and not asking for help. I’m sorry that you are feeling overwhelmed right now and having trouble coping. I’m sure the answers will reveal themselves to you in time.

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  4. Not easy going through what you’re going through. Sending you good energy and hope things look up for you soon! I know the feeling, I live with depression and anxiety and I find myself losing motivation so often…

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Handling emotions or controlling them can be difficult for sure. I usually just try to allow myself the moment of whatever emotion I am feeling and then move forward by changing my thoughts to something else.


  6. Your story is my story. Indulging in food was my way of numbing the pain. It was easier to find comfort in the food rather than deal with the root issues of my pain. So I totally understand. I lost almost 100 lbs almost 9 years ago and then regained it 6 years ago. The guilt, shame and embarrassment drove me into a downward spiral and my emotions were completely out of control. My saving grace was my faith. I was finally able to surrender to God’s process and not focus on the HOW. I am allowing Him to heal my pain so I don’t turn to food to cope. It’s not easy. I’m not perfect. But I restarted my journey in April 2015 and have lost 78 lbs and counting. But most importantly, I’m learning how to live in freedom where I’m not driven by my emotions. It’s a process. One day at a time. I wish you much success on your journey!

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  7. I hope that you can get over this emotional phase and fall in love with yourself enough to take good care of yourself. I think that is the first step for transformation – to love yourself. Don’t be ashamed of the weight you have gained but use this as motivation to get back to your normal routine. Start slow… good luck 🙂

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  8. Hey girl, the only way to control such binge eating is to be fully aware of yourself and your actions. You are a human, the best of creation you can do anything! Binge eating is for losers and you are not one! You are one courageous lady who have strength enough to admit her guilt to the world (referring to unhealthy relationship with food here).
    Next time you try to find comfort in food ask yourself: do I deserve this? Don’t I deserve pampering and self love? Where would I be a year trust me picturing yourself in future with double the weight as you have now helps like sooooo much!
    I really wish it all ends well.
    Best of luck ❤
    Feel free to get in touch with me. I'll be your friend in need :*

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I felt all of your emotions in this post. Thank you for being so real and so raw. I went through something back in 2010/2011 that I felt like was going to completely take me out. At first I relied on wine, every day… Then one day I had enough and I went to my roots, to my first love, GOD. It was hard but I knew only he could get me through! And he did! I am praying for your strength…

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I’ve delt with this many a time and I have bounced back many a time. How I did it? God. I put my happiness and peace in Him and not people and my life changed. Whenever I feel like I’m starting to get off track again I look to Him and ask Him to help me get back on track. He hasn’t failed me yet!

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  11. I eat my emotions lol. I have two young kids, one who never sleeps at night and a strong-willed threenager, plus a stressed-out husband who hates his job, I am running on empty and just trying to get through the day and survive to the weekend. Food makes me happy and keeps the kids busy some days. Not the best strategy but if I want to stay sane somethng has to go!


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