I’ve said it many times. I have an unhealthy relationship with food. I recently went through a mild depression for several months. I call it mild as I didn’t stop doing my normal day to day activities. I still found the necessary energy to go to work, shower, etc., but other things fell off the wayside. My weekend cardio was replaced with sleeping in bed and Netflix binges. My Terra chips, vegetables and hummus went out the window. Cookies and brownies ended up in my pantry.
For several months, I just stopped. I stopped being myself. I stopped being in control of my action and my emotions. I let things flow in and out of me as freely as it desired, without thought of consequences. I know how irresponsible that is and that I would have to deal with them at some point. But they didn’t matter. Now as the summer arrives, and I’m feeling more like myself, they do.
I look in the mirror and struggle with what I see. The weight I’ve gained since February of last year is cause for alarm. I had spent so long getting to my lowest, and I let that hard work go to such waste. It’s difficult not be hard on myself for it.
Food is where I go when I feel I have no place to go or no one to talk to. It’s where I find support and caring. It’s not that I don’t have those things in my friends or family, but the connection and security I feel through food runs to my core. There’s almost a sense of security, control and defiance all at once when eating things that are not healthy or in over eating. It’s a big fuck you to the world. But in this instance, since the break up with the “Second,” food has been a source of comfort, stability and acceptance. It seems to soothe the depression and makes me feel whole.
I know that’s not normal. I know it’s healthy to rely on food as source of comfort or self-soothing. I should be able to dust myself off and plow through the emotions. I guilt and often chastise myself for not being able to work through my feelings on my own. The need to look outside myself for comfort makes me feel even worse. I’m not quite sure how to stop it.
Since the break up in January 2015, I’ve gained a total of 40 lbs. Something I’m extremely ashamed about. I look in the mirror, completely disgusted that I let myself be controlled by my emotion and unable to exhibit to the self control needed to put an end to it. I let my emotion, hopelessness and self doubt take hold within my heart, and I let it steer me. It’s a sick and twist cycle. The worse I feel, the more I eat. The more I eat, the more weight I gain. The more weight I gain, the more I hate myself.
I was able to fight this cycle once, but it always feels harder when you have to restart. I’m not sure where to begin, what I need to work on first. A lot of it is will power and right now, it doesn’t feel like I have that.
How do you deal with your emotions? Are you able to control them? How do you self soothe?