Chamber of Secrets

** This blog has been helpful in opening up about my panic disorder, and from my last post, I’m noticing I’m not alone in experiencing these feelings.  Those of you who read and left comments, you are truly wonderful.  It’s great to know that it’s not uncommon to go through these experiences.  You are so uplifting.  Thank you so much**

Everyone has those few things they keep close to their hearts. Some of them may be deep and dark. Others are those light, airy secrets that we feel are the end of the world but really are no big deal.  This blog was started as a way to open up about one of my biggest secrets, my panic disorder.  Ironically, I’m not that quiet about it once I get to know someone or let people in.  I’ll talk about it to coworkers, friends, family, etc. when anyone asks.  But there are still more secrets that I’m keeping.

• My favorite song is As Long As You Love Me by the Backstreet Boys. – Yes, I was a teeny bopper, and BSB was my group of choice.  Don’t get me wrong…I loved NSYNC, 98 Degrees, etc, but I never missed a BSB tour.  To this day, I still buy every CD and will listen to their music.  I love rocking out to their first album songs that got me hooked. Even when people ask, I never say this out loud for fear of ridicule. The looks people give you….don’t judge!
• I have an addiction to Diet Coke. – I haven’t tasted it in over a year, but I have a strong addiction to diet coke.  I’m not able to have just one glass.  Once I start, I begin drinking it on a daily basis and soon move to drinking it all day.  I used to wake up every morning, buy an iced coffee, and then drink about 6 to 8 cans of diet coke just to get me through the work day.  I still crave it to this day and fight the urge whenever I see anyone with a glass of it.  I know people always give diet coke drinkers a hard time, especially since regular coke has come out to be better for you.  BUT regular coke gives me a stomach ache.  I feel nauseous whenever I drink it. My body no longer accepts regular coke.

•  I miss having a dad. – I know this makes no sense.  I don’t miss the yelling, the hitting or the emotional neglect.  In fact, I’m quite happy with it out of my life, and I believe it was the best thing to happen to me.  However, my dad was still my dad.  I miss everything that meant.  I adore my step-dad.  He is an incredible person.  But it’s just not the same. Yes, there was a lot of turmoil and abuse, but there were some good times when I was a child.  May be it’s the concept behind what a Dad is.  Either way, I miss it.
• I hate sitting in the house, but I also hate having to go out. – If I have nothing to do, I end up feeling a bit down.  If I have to go do something, I resent having to get out of bed.  What can I say?  I’m complex.
• Sometimes, I wonder what would happen if the door popped open while I’m driving. – Somewhat morbid, I know.  It always happens when I’m on a road trip and getting tired of driving.  I wonder if I’d have cat-like reflexes thanks to adrenaline, or if I’d just fall out of the car in shock and roll on the pavement. I always picture those fantastic sequences in action movies, and I’d love to see myself as someone who could react quickly and gracefully.  But lets be honest…I’m a klutz.  I’m pretty sure I’d never react fast enough.
• I still wonder what love is. – Everyone seems to have their own definition of love, and I’m still not sure what mine is.  Is it that high fly ball over the left field wall?  *Brownie points if you get that reference* Or is it the ability to spend days and nights with someone without getting tired of their presence?  Is it being able to laugh together or passion? To this day, I really have no clue.
• I don’t think we’re all going to hell. – I’m not sure why.  I know so many people who look at the world today and see it as the hand basket we’re all being delivered in.  I honestly don’t think that.  Yes, there is fear and hate and anger.  But I believe people are innately good.  I think love is at the core of the majority of human beings, and hope is prominent in the world.

• Scary movies and stories are some of my favorite things. – This is completely crazy for someone with anxiety issues.  I love listening to podcasts like the No Sleep Podcast. I find its stories to be addicting and I can’t take my ear buds out.  Scary movies are my absolute favorite.  There’s something about them that excites me.
• I NEVER stop caring about people. – Even when I should, or when I’m in my rights to be mean or cruel to others who have purposely hurt me, I still care.  I never wish them harm, and I know if something came up, I would always answer their call and help.  I will think of them off and on and at random times. Whether that makes me a pushover, I’m not sure.
•  If I could, I’m not sure I’d change my life. – Of course there are things I would love to be doing and avenues I would have loved to explore.  I always think of what I would do if I won the lottery, but I’m not sure I’d really change much. I’d pay off debts, pay off my parents debt, buy my brother his own restaurant, etc.  But I’m not sure I’d do anything major.  I’d love to take away my anxiety or panic attacks, but even that….I don’t know.

Do you have any silly secrets that you hold onto for no reason?  Is there anything you are holding close to your chest?  Is there something small that you’ve never even thought about telling others because…there is no reason to?