Do you ever just look at your list of drafts and go…no….nope…none of those. I’m having that moment now. I honestly don’t know what to write about, but I want to write about everything. Does that make sense?
Sundays are particularly hard for me. Not because it’s the day before the work week; I truly enjoy my job and don’t mind going in every day. The only part I hate is waking up to an alarm clock. Sundays are difficult for me because it’s the only day I have nothing to do. While not entirely true (I do clean on Sundays), there’s nothing that calls me outside and in the space of others. Being around people invigorates me, especially when going through an anxious episode, and interacting with others relaxes me and brings me joy. Being cooped up alone makes my mind run, and it goes to the things I try to run from.
- The things I’ve done/said that have hurt others. I often wonder why I’ve said or done things that have hurt people and then feel guilt for it all over again. The things that stick out most often are always things I’ve done as a late teen or in my early 20’s. I know we’ve all done this, especially during those ages. Most 17 to 24 year olds focus on themselves. They don’t really worry about their actions or how they affect others, even though they know better. While I don’t fully recall everything I’ve ever said and done, there are specifics that stick out in my mind: someone I rejected rudely, saying something to specifically hurt someone who hurt me, or losing my temper with someone who may or may not have “deserved it.” These are things we all do or have done, but for some reason, I feel immense guilt for. I mentally beat myself up for them and categorize myself as a horrible person for acting like a human being. I’ve often been told I’m quick to forgive others who have done wrong, even on a large scale. Yet I do not have the ability to forgive myself for being human. Every hurtful thing plays through my mind.
- It’s my fault that happened; or I caused his/her behavior. I’m not sure why I take on the responsibility of others, their words or their actions/reactions. I always feel at fault, like something I did cause the outburst or like there was something I could have done to alleviate the situation. I’m cause of why that person hurt me, that it was me who somehow forced them to act in that way. I really don’t know where this comes from. While most people would see it as a testament to the other person’s character. I view it as a testament to mine. I know this thinking and feeling is skewed and unhealthy. I’m just unsure of how to change it. I sometimes question my subconscious motives. Does that make sense? Someone will ask why I brought something up, and sometimes I really don’t know. I was just making conversation or talking about the first thing that popped into mind. When I’m with friends, family or partners, I don’t really censor myself. I just go where my mind takes me.
- Am I victim or an abuser? This plagues me. You can ask any of my friends and I often question them about this. Their response is normally laughter. I’m sure you’re either a. wondering why I would ask such a question or b. going of course you struggle with this; you just said you feel responsibility for everything. Lol. Some say I’m a classic victim. Some say I’m neither. I reacted to unhealthy situations as anyone would. And some just laugh because the thought of me being an abuser is ridiculous to them. Yet, I feel like a “serial provoker” at times. Of course, there are also those that believe abusers, people who intentionally treat others harshly don’t question if they are abusers. Which takes me out of the running….I honestly have no clue.
- Am I good person? Ultimately this is my biggest downer on Sundays. As everything above runs through my head…I end up with this question. And…I normally can’t answer it.
I know these are all signs of unhealthy thinking. I know these aren’t “normal” patterns. Yet, changing habits is difficult. It’s funny really, as I end up exhausted Monday through Saturday. I run around, work, spend time with friends and family. But I’m still running. Sitting with myself bring these to mind and I’m scared of the real answers. I’m scared of being a bad or self important person.