Abuse · anxiety · depression · Ethics · Growing Pains · Letting go · Life · Meandering Thoughts · mental health · Relationships · Responsibility · Self Discovery · Uncategorized

Rambling Thoughts of an Anxious Woman

Do you ever just look at your list of drafts and go…no….nope…none of those.  I’m having that moment now. I honestly don’t know what to write about, but I want to write about everything.  Does that make sense?


Sundays are particularly hard for me.  Not because it’s the day before the work week; I truly enjoy my job and don’t mind going in every day.  The only part I hate is waking up to an alarm clock. Sundays are difficult for me because it’s the only day I have nothing to do.  While not entirely true (I do clean on Sundays), there’s nothing that calls me outside and in the space of others.  Being around people invigorates me, especially when going through an anxious episode, and interacting with others relaxes me and brings me joy.  Being cooped up alone makes my mind run, and it goes to the things I try to run from.

  • The things I’ve done/said that have hurt others.  I often wonder why I’ve said or done things that have hurt people and then feel guilt for it all over again. The things that stick out most often are always things I’ve done as a late teen or in my early 20’s. I know we’ve all done this, especially during those ages.  Most 17 to 24 year olds focus on themselves.  They don’t really worry about their actions or how they affect others, even though they know better.  While I don’t fully recall everything I’ve ever said and done, there are specifics that stick out in my mind: someone I rejected rudely, saying something to specifically hurt someone who hurt me, or losing my temper with someone who may or may not have “deserved it.” These are things we all do or have done, but for some reason, I feel immense guilt for.  I mentally beat myself up for them and categorize myself as a horrible person for acting like a human being. I’ve often been told I’m quick to forgive others who have done wrong, even on a large scale.  Yet I do not have the ability to forgive myself for being human.  Every hurtful thing plays through my mind.
  • It’s my fault that happened; or I caused his/her behavior. I’m not sure why I take on the responsibility of others, their words or their actions/reactions.  I always feel at fault, like something I did cause the outburst or like there was something I could have done to alleviate the situation. I’m cause of why that person hurt me, that it was me who somehow forced them to act in that way. I really don’t know where this comes from. While most people would see it as a testament to the other person’s character. I view it as a testament to mine.  I know this thinking and feeling is skewed and unhealthy. I’m just unsure of how to change it.  I sometimes question my subconscious motives.  Does that make sense?  Someone will ask why I brought something up, and sometimes I really don’t know.  I was just making conversation or talking about the first thing that popped into mind.  When I’m with friends, family or partners, I don’t really censor myself.  I just go where my mind takes me.


  • Am I victim or an abuser? This plagues me. You can ask any of my friends and I often question them about this. Their response is normally laughter. I’m sure you’re either a. wondering why I would ask such a question or b. going of course you struggle with this; you just said you feel responsibility for everything. Lol. Some say I’m a classic victim. Some say I’m neither. I reacted to unhealthy situations as anyone would. And some just laugh because the thought of me being an abuser is ridiculous to them.  Yet, I feel like a “serial provoker” at times. Of course, there are also those that believe abusers, people who intentionally treat others harshly don’t question if they are abusers.  Which takes me out of the running….I honestly have no clue.
  • Am I good person? Ultimately this is my biggest downer on Sundays. As everything above runs through my head…I end up with this question. And…I normally can’t answer it.


I know these are all signs of unhealthy thinking.  I know these aren’t “normal” patterns.  Yet, changing habits is difficult.  It’s funny really, as I end up exhausted Monday through Saturday.  I run around, work, spend time with friends and family.  But I’m still running.  Sitting with myself bring these to mind and I’m scared of the real answers.  I’m scared of being a bad or self important person.


42 thoughts on “Rambling Thoughts of an Anxious Woman

  1. This is GREAT. I too press through when I have nothing to write about. Usually, I’ll start writing about something that’s been bothering me that I didn’t even realize was bothering me. Writing is a great outlet. i’m glad you posted this article.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Overthinking is the WORST! I am very guilty of doing that myself. My stress and anxiety has gotten the best of me quite often, so I’m trying new techniques to get it under control. Have you heard of Bullet Journaling? I am going to try it next month to see if it helps my stress, anxiety, and mental-health. You should look into it if you have not already! It could help you get your thoughts out, keep a log of inspiration, and help settle your mind with organization. Good luck! I’m sure you are a great person, so don’t worry! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

      1. It is a bunch of lists. You get a blank notebook (people prefer moleskine apparently) and can fill it with whatever you want. People draw calendars, to-do lists, inspirational quotes, doodles, coloring pages, reading lists, etc. Whatever your heart desires. It is just a way to creatively get out your thoughts in an organized and consolidated manner. Check out my Pinterest board with the research I’ve done on it if you want to look into it yourself. 🙂 https://www.pinterest.com/glitter_grand/stress-relief-bullet-journaling/

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I thought I was the only one! Being around people and being busy actually keeps me regular (mentally), when a wave of anxiety arrives (mine usually last 3 days) it really helps me to get out and go walking through the shopping centre or take the kids to the park. Even if I am not talking to anyone just being around people seems to calm me.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Lots and lots of anxiety here and I often fall into that trap too. Last night, I woke up three times to check on my son to make sure he was okay (he has asthma). I try to concentrate on my ‘happy place’ and breathe to relax a bit.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Mary, thank you so much for sharing this. I’ve struggled with anxiety too and often find myself getting lost in my head. I may not know you well, but what I can say is that from everything I’ve seen, you’re an incredible person. Please don’t ever be ashamed of who you are. You are not anxiety, even if you have it. You don’t need to be hard on yourself for how you think or feel. In fact, I encourage you to acknowledge it. It’s clear you’re able to rise above what you’re going through 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. WordPress automatically approved your comment and I’m so happy it did. I was just checking through the list to make sure I liked the comments, and came upon your message. Thank you so much for such a heartfelt comment. It made me feel so warm. Thank you so much!

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Being very open with it actually helps me I find. The more I talk about it, it’s almost like releasing the energy. Does that make sense?


  6. I used to do a lot of overthinking as well and was always on guilt trips, unless I realized that it will not reap any benefits and even if I will be the nicest person ever, there will be someone who will not like me or be offended. You cannot please everyone. So, stop thinking about it and relax. Focus on the good things you have done and will do … 🙂 xx

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I too over think usually when I have a LOT of time on my hands. Or when I have way too much to do that I panic. Anxiety comes and it roots itself in and takes hold. Best way that I deal is to sometimes take a break – switch off and do a Netflix and chill kind of moment. Yoga, meditate, or sometimes going through and browsing social media helps me calm the ever present mumbling in my head. Right now Snap Chat has been a lot of fun for me!

    I view that if a person is self aware that they will make mistakes and work hard to be that good person then they could never be bad. They have their moments and feelings… and if it’s an off day then it’s okay too!

    Hope you feel better and hope that Sundays will be more full of smiles and chill with family and friends and happy times. Cheers!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Snap Chat is one of my favorite apps out there! This Sunday should have tons of smiles. I’m hosting a bbq. Yep, adulting hardcore…lol…hosting an event. May be i’ll write about that next.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. I definitely feel guilt over a few decisions I have made. I have never tried to make it better, those situations and people are totally cut out of my life. The only reason I stopped dwelling is because I have truly learned from them and wouldn’t dare be that person again.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Thank you for sharing this Mary! I think that this line of thinking is quite common and I know that I have gone through versions of it myself. I used to blame myself for everything and worry about what others thought about me. What I try to do now is realize that I am human like anyone else, yes I make mistakes and I may say or do the wrong thing and that is perfectly OK. What is not OK is beating myself up about it. I choose to always strive to do better, to work on my mindset, and to constantly grow as a person as that is what is in my control. Wishing you the best on your journey. xox

    Liked by 1 person

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