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Loving Someone Who Hurts You

I’m not sure about you, but my Facebook feed is always inundated with quotes from my female, and sometimes male, friends regarding relationships, abuse and everything in between. When I see a good one, I’ve even shared it.  I always think these are so true…but as a woman who’s been in abusive relationships, I have to say…it’s not easy to believe.

Most abusive relationships don’t begin that way. In fact, they often feel “right” or meant to be. You spend a large portion in that rose colored glasses phase, and it isn’t until you become content with what appears to be the status quo, that things change. Whether it be an actual mountain or a molehill, something tips the scales.


The first time abuse occurs, whether physical, verbal or emotional, the victim tries to come to terms with it, rationalizing the abusers actions to make sense of it all.  There must be a reason this happened. The memories of the beginning of the relationship come flooding back.  It’s all proof that what happened couldn’t possibly be who your partner is.  You know them to be different. So many victims internalize the actions of their abusers to the point that they feel they did something to cause it.  It really was their fault. S/he would never do this on their own.  I must have provoked it.

imagesaepdmjejThis is the most dangerous time for the victim. It’s the moment when you decide what’s most important, your well being or the feeling you get from the other person when things are good. You feel loved and understood.  You feel whole almost.  It’s a dangerous feeling, and it can be hard to give up.  The moment you make an excuse for the behavior, internalize it, is the moment when you decide to put yourself last.  After all, haven’t we all been told that is what you do for someone you love?  You put them first.  This is normal.

Many abuse victims have a hard time coming to terms with being exactly that, a victim.  It’s not exactly something you could ever expect.  How could you? But a large part is also that not all abuse is so easily identified.  Sure, physical abuse is “easy”….you can physically see the signs of it.  It’s much harder to excuse away.  But the verbal and emotional….they are other monsters.

When he starts being disrespectful or name calling, it’s always somehow your fault.  He was having a bad day, you should cut him some slack.  You reacted to emotionally or you are expecting too much, so of course you’re a bitch.  He freaked out over something small; you’re stressing him out.  You didn’t take him or his feelings into consideration.  Your clothes weren’t right for the dinner he didn’t take you to; you should have researched the restaurant rather than expect that information from him.

imagesp6kc6izoWhen you finally feel like you need to speak up,  you’ve always imagined these things.  They never happened that way.  You’re remembering wrong. You’re taking things too seriously….  Suddenly, you’re battling your own perception of reality.  Something hurt you, but apparently it was your own fault.  He got defensive and lashed out, or may be it was just sarcasm?  You’re suddenly second guessing your own thought process. It’s truly a whirlwind.  The images you see say it’s not your fault, that you aren’t the one causing this.  But nothing explains his/her behavior. Nothing gives you that satisfaction of knowing it wasn’t you.

The last straw has fallen and you finally leave (for the umpteenth time). There is still no explanation, and you still second guess.  You still wonder…was it me?  Did I cause this?  Did I just fuck up something amazing?  Should I try to reconcile?  You wonder and obsess.

You want that explanation.  You want that closure or reasoning, but there is none.  That is the hardest part of loving someone who hurts you.  You never know why.  You never really know what happened or changed.  You just know it did, and when all else fails, you blame yourself.  Your need for answers focuses internally as it’s the only thing it has.



27 thoughts on “Loving Someone Who Hurts You

  1. I am very guilty in some of these and I feel really regretful doing so. Since my last episode I came face to face with a choice to either do better or lose my loved one. I have done a lot of deep self-reflections since then and realized so much. I finally have been able to let shit go that I thought I would never be able to. I believe I am changed and am more calm. Thank you for reminding me of who I don’t want to be.


    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow…you are incredibly brave for speaking up. Most don’t want to bring notice to it. Statistically speaking, most abusers were once victims so it’s something we should all watch out for. You should be commended for making that leap into self-reflection and looking at what you can do to better yourself, your relationship and to be more respectful of your partner.


  2. Remember it is not just a spouse that can be abusive. My own mother stole the last four years of my dad’s life from me in a tactic called stonewalling. She has now decided to make people think it’s all my fault because when she emailed me that she was ready for me to apologize, I said no thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m sorry to hear about your relationship with your mom. I’ve also had an abusive relationship with my dad, which is how I got into the cycle. I haven’t heard of stonewalling before. What’s that?


  3. My husband has definitely been emotionally abusive to me. In the past I was to him as well, but I worked on myself and learned to respect myself and others. He has a history of bipolar and is ***slowly*** getting better. When it is happening, I distance myself emotionally from him and practice detachment (which I learned in Al-Anon years ago) as well as massive self care strategies, such as exercising, meditating, and staying connected with friends that love me. I have learned to hate the behavior while still loving the person. Sending you a big hug and best wishes for your emotional healing.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes it definitely can. It also makes you more susceptible to either 1. continue the cycle by becoming the abuser or 2. continuing to put yourself into abusive situations.


    1. I couldn’t go as deeply into it as I would have liked, but I still felt the need to post. It triggered to much. These are the general feelings I went through. If you had a different experience, and would like to share, feel free.


  4. seriously – awesome post. I think a lot of people who deal with abuse (mostly emotional) don’t even recognize it’s happening. Being in love with the person makes it so difficult to see the situation for what it really is, too. For any kind of abuse. Thanks so much for sharing this!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I’ve never been in an abusive relationship – I can’t even imagine the self-doubt that comes along with that, day after day. Even reading some of these comments — you did a brave thing posting about this so that other women can take what they need from it❤

    -Clarissa @ The View From Here


  6. Great read, I have been in a relationship where the person I was with was not really a good guy, he wasn’t abusive but let’s just say he did not do me any good… I got very insecure and did not trust him anymore, I think I maybe even got a bit obsessive when I look back. Luckily I grew over it and see it as a learning point. I can’t imagine how much an abusive relationship can mess you up😦

    Liked by 1 person

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