Can Someone Turn This Off?

Lately when I tell people about my feelings or anxiety, their response is always….Have you tried yoga?  No…no I haven’t tried the most popular exercise craze that is supposed to center you.  It never crossed my mind. It always drives me nuts when people suggest obvious solutions to something as complex as an anxiety disorder. I’d like to speak on behalf of all those with various mental illnesses and say…yes….we’ve tried every simple thing. Lol.  We’ve thought of it…we’ve tried it…it’s frustrating.  Thank you, but that’s not helpful.  So before anyone can suggest them all to me again….

Religion

When it comes to my religion…I’m the worst.  That’s really the only way I can describe  myself.  I don’t live up to the standards on a daily basis, and my nightly routine would leave others wanting.  Each night, I make sure to pray, but it goes something like this….

Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be…..Did I unplug the straightener?  Just finish praying, and then go check.  But what if I left it on and a fire starts?  It won’t start and be out of control by the time you finish….okay okay…let’s start again.

Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come…I really need to remember to send an email off to our vendor in the morning.  I should make a note….nah…I’ll remember…no…just make a note. [get up and type note into phone] Okay…let’s start this again.

This cycle repeats until I force myself to lay in bed and finally finish one simple prayer. Then it starts again while I try to talk and go through my emotions and thoughts of the day with God.  It’s a jumbled crazy mess that I’m pretty sure no one could understand.  I’m pretty sure God sits there and goes…oh hunny. So by the time I end my prayers, I’ve apologized at least twice for my word soup of thoughts.

I’ve never been able to understand how people can sit or lay so silently and pray.  And they seem to do it for so long.  How do they focus?   Don’t their minds think that’s the best time to remind them that they need toilet paper?  Or is that just me? I’ve even asked these while praying…no I didn’t get an answer.

Meditation

Meditation also baffles me. I’ve tried meditating, and….sigh.  “Feel the air going into your nostrils and focus on the feeling on your nose.” That lasts for 0.5 seconds, and it’s like my mind just wants to fuck with me.  It’s always THEN that my brain decides it’s time to reflect on that mean thing I said to a boy at a school dance when I was in 7th grade. I turned him down so rudely. I’m a bitch. No wonder your single. You’re doing penance for all those jerky things you did as a preteen.  I’ll try to reason with myself.  You were 12 and didn’t like boys yet.  You had 4 older brothers at home and wanted to stay clear of boys for as long as possible. Eventually I sit there with my eyes closed and give up.

Sometimes I do have some glorious moments of silence.  Then, without warning, a gong plays on the background track. UGH!!!!!  I swear that gong is like a starting gun for my brain….oh we relaxed?  We can’t have that! Remember that ridiculous way you used to schedule your bathroom breaks around your crushes class schedule in high school?  You thought you were so slick.  

Seriously, who thought putting a gong on meditation tracks was useful?

Yoga

I get how some people love this; I get it.  I also recently found out that I’m not the only person who is not into yoga in my family, thankfully.  Yoga sessions normally go like this…

Get into a pose.  Am I doing this right?  Why doesn’t my pose look like how that woman is posing?  Should my arms be locked?  That woman is super flexible…how is she doing that?  Crap!  She’s looking….stare in the mirror, stare in the mirror. Next pose.

Each pose a mini anxiety attack of if I’m doing them correctly, comparing myself to the others in class, praying the instructor doesn’t notice my nervousness and mental gymnastics.  Apparently, the whole purpose of yoga is focus.  Clearly, that’s not what is inspired within me while I’m in class.

The worst though is when you’re in a class and the women next to you are lifers. They know the routine forwards and backwards, and your insecurity and lack of ability seems to annoy them.  Me being out of sync, knocks them out of sync, and yes, they give you the eye rolls and exasperated sighs.  It’s just not a pleasant experience.

Does anyone else have these issues?  Is it just me?  Is there something odd that you do to relax that I should try?