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My Inner Child is Confused

When it comes to therapy, there are hundreds of different modalities and philosophies on treatment, and this last two weeks my therapist and I have tried a new one. I’ve heard about Inner Child Healing from friends who had done some work in that area, but it always seemed a bit “hippie dippie” to me.  You can’t change the past, only learn from it, so going back and “talking” to my childhood self was never something I thought about.

healing-inner-child-meditation-scriptI started the session feeling intensely awkward, and my therapist walked me through some breathing techniques in order to get me into a relaxed state. She then tried to build a scenario where I was walking up to a child on a path, and as I got closer, I was to realize it was myself. Here I was at 33 years old, trying to envision myself talking to my 5 year old self.  I have ZERO concept of what I looked like at 5.  I have pictures of course, but to have to think of it on the fly was tough. How many of us actually remember a random day i the park when 5?

It was interesting to say the least, and I felt unsure during any times that silence seemed to break.  My therapist would tell me to let her know when my inner child wanted to do something or said something, and I began to fear that I was being too quite for too long.  Perhaps my 5 year old self should learn to speak up more.  She only said one thing….”He hurts me.”

image22Ironically I don’t remember my father being abusive at that point in my life, but I don’t have any specific memories from that time to begin with.  I remember there are things I definitely enjoyed, but I can’t recall actually doing them.  For instance, I know I loved going to the park after it rained.  I wander around the baseball infield looking at animal tracks, trying to guess what came through the park. But I don’t have any specific memory of doing this.

Out of nowhere, “I” changed.  I went from 5 years old to 9 out of the blue.  I could care less about finding foot prints in the sand, and just wanted to climb trees, run around and go crazy like a typical 9 year old.  I could barely keep up with this “me,” as she always seemed to be 10 steps ahead, and moving on to the next thing before I finished the first.  I was an active kid who didn’t care about anything and who’s only desire was to run away and escape.  My therapist thought this indicated some very important moments in life, and I told her this age was when the abuse began in my memory.  This is when after an intense argument, horrible words about what a terrible person I was or how I was ugly/unlovable/fat/lazy (take your pick) and/or possibly some physical violence, I was then forced to sit with my father.  I was forbidden to leave the house and sometimes the room.  I had to sit with the man who told me how worthless I was and watch him enjoy his day.  So when I had the chance to escape, I would.  I made up make-believe games where I was taken away.

6359694892173619689647698_take%20care%20of%20your%20inner%20child%20cover%20photoI joined Peter Pan and the Lost Boys on trips around Neverland.  I explored the islands in the middle of the lake by myself after school.  I pretend to be a runaway orphan living in the woods, making friends with the animals, and I NEVER wanted to go home (unless I had to use the bathroom. lol.).  All the games I played involved escaping life and my home in some way.

angry-teenager-15592129
This was her (my) exact face.  I swear

The second time we tried this therapy, she asked me to envision myself older.  She wanted me to see myself as a teen.  That “me” was quite….outspoken.  She definitely had a lot to say, and it was mostly about me. She was pissed.  She didn’t like that not only did she have to hear horrible she was from dad, but she had to hear it from me as well.  I didn’t say nice things.  I wasn’t her friend, and I was mean to her all the time.  If it wasn’t dad telling me how worthless she was, it was me, and she didn’t appreciate it.  She was definitely indifferent towards me and didn’t really want to hear how I was sorry, how I would protect her, etc.  She wanted me to prove it.

 

These sessions I’m still on the fence about.  I’m not really sure what to think of them.  It hasn’t helped my self talk, except now I guilt myself for those nasty thoughts I have about myself.  12 year old me must be pissed.  Lol.  They did, however, give me insight into why I was the flighty 9 year old and the pissy teen.  It was interesting to try these new modalities, and perhaps we’ll continue it at some point.  If anything, it gave me insight into myself rather than healing past issues.  That alone is valuable.

Have you tried any interesting therapies?  Is there anything that helps you heal old wounds?

 

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33 thoughts on “My Inner Child is Confused

  1. I am so sorry to hear about your abusive father. As someone who was abused my her stepmother over a period of 4 years and bullied and abused as a teen I know how hard it is. People don’t understand and like you there are many events that have been blocked out of my mind as a result. I think you should keep on with the therapy and see how you feel after a few sessions.

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    1. I’m sorry to hear about your step mother. A friend of mine had a similar experience. I didn’t realize that having missing blocks of time was normal.

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  2. I haven’t tried any sort of healing therapy with the inner child – yet. I suspect my therapist will lead me there at some point. When, I’m not sure. Recently she has me reading through bits of “The Courage To Heal” and has also suggested that I work my way through “A Gift To Myself.” I’m a little afraid of my inner child, honestly. I bet she knows a lot more than I do about my childhood – these days, my childhood is made up largely of blank places my therapist tells me I will probably be able to fill in bit by bit as I progress. This in itself is frightening.

    authorbrandikennedy.blogspot.com

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  3. This is what I don’t get with people who abuse their kids. When I saw my kids all I wanted was to give the world to them, not take it away. I am sorry you had to go through abuse as a child. I am glad that you are trying your best to show yourself some love and value, you deserve a better life after what you’ve been through in the past. I hope all goes well with your sessions.

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  4. Im so sorry for you. It’s so good that you’re writing about it and also talking about it in therapy. A father is very important in life and it’s a blessing when one has a supporting and loving father. (And mother)

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  5. Wow, this was such an intense process! I’ve never tried it and now I want to. I read a book about imagining all your pain, frustration, and anger into a monster. And then trying to love and have compassion for such a sad, ugly creature. It was a hard exercise I never successfully finished.

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  6. I’m so very sorry about your step-father. My goodness .. there are some things in life one should never have to endure. Bravo to you for writing about it and also for taking steps to put it behind you. Very very brave!

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  7. Just reading your account was intense. Thanks for sharing your experience with therapy. While i’ve not gone for anything formal, every time i get angry or annoyed, i write a letter that i will never send and keep it in the drawer. It helps me but i’m not sure it’s for everyone.

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  8. I’m sorry to hear that. God says He will pay us double for unfair situations. He never brings us out the same—He brings us out better. Stay strong and have faith

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  9. I am sorry to hear you had to go through a lot as a teen but trying to come out of the guilt and making efforts to change the lifestyle is the bravest thing itself. I am happy you are going on the right path choosing happiness over everything else. I would love to try this kind of therapy, I want to hear what my 5/12 year old would tell/teach me now. Good luck with your future sessions!

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    1. I’m really weird with that. Lol. The person I prefer to talk to is my childhood priest. Lol. I even feel weird going to confession when it’s not him.

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  10. Awfully sorry to hear what you’ve been trought! Never knew that black blocks are common but of course it makes sense. It’s so terrible how people can be so mean and not thinking how it affects on the other person’s life, whole life. Wishing all the best for you!

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