Abuse · Adulting · Authenticity · Growing Pains · Life · Loves · mindfulness · Relationships · Self Worth · Uncategorized

Oh Honey, Remove your Rose Colored Glasses

I recently read a blog post from one woman to her boyfriend’s ex.  Apparently she feels this woman wanted her boyfriend back, and by what she writes, it seems like.  You can read the original post here. However, unless her boyfriend is sharing these messages, I have to question how she knows what’s actually being said .  Unfortunately there was no comment box available to ask.  As someone who is still in contact with my ex, and is friends with several exs, I felt the need to respond.

Dear Girl Dating my Ex,

I fear you may have the wrong idea.  You see, I was you once.  I had that sweet and adoring relationship with your boy, my ex.  It started off with the slow build up and became something that I felt was wonderful.  Like you, we had met a few months after his last relationship and felt “I am here to stay” within the few months after we met. He still had contact with his ex prior to me, and like you, I thought she wasn’t able to get over him.  I thought, oh she’ll move on.   Of course he wants to be still be in her life. He doesn’t have romantic feelings for her, but she was an important person in his life.  I too was in the shoes you are in now.

Your boy and I have discussed our relationship in order to establish a baseline for our friendship.  I’m sorry to tell you though, that he brings up the emotional issues and things we did together to this day.  It is him that initiates telling me how bad he feels for the way he treated me. It is him who will say how horribly he treated me randomly. It is also him that eludes to possible reconciliation at some point in the future.  I think you should also know that when his ex before me had moved on before him, it was him who was upset about it.  He was depressed for weeks and felt betrayed. He felt she had never truly cared for him.  So while you may you think that you are “here to stay,” I think you should know this is not something new.  This is a habit of his.  It is something he does with every ex.  When we move on and are happy, it upsets him and causes him to reach out.  He wants to know he still has a hold.

You see, things were wonderful for months, but at some point he couldn’t hold it together any more.  He began mistreating me, yelling, calling names and gaslighting. He was extremely  manipulative, and when I would come to him with things that needed to be worked on, he’s response wouldn’t be to discuss. He would ask if I thought he was that horrible of a person. It was him who was still looking around, and in fact we hadn’t broken up yet when you two officially met. He began blowing me off or standing me up.  It was him, who when I would try to work things out after we fought or would come to him to discuss the things that were unacceptable, who would call me crazy.  I asked for basic respect and instead would be insulted and yelled at.  I hope you don’t experience this, but this is a track record of his. 

Naturally when he wanted to be friends, these things needed to be discussed. It was not because I wanted him back, but because in order to be friends with someone who treated me horribly, I needed explanations.  There were things that needed to be smoothed over in order for me to accept him back into my life, even platonically.  Oh, that’s one other thing you should know.  He pursued the friendship.  He wanted to “talk again.”  I also feel it is necessary to tell you that in those months that he slowly won your heart, he was still telling me he still had feelings for me.

You may also find it interesting that he tells me how miserable he is all the time.  He’s unhappy with his life.  He doesn’t feel like the people he likes romantically and are attracted to, feel the same way back. He’s currently struggling with a deep depression according to our conversations.   As his current girl, I think you may want to know. He feels he will be alone forever and that he has no one.  This is what he tells me. What he says to me is completely different than the image you paint in your letter.  It seems you may have some things to talk about within your relationship if his friendship with me causes you so much distress. You may also want to confirm you are actually in one in his eyes.

You see, he has a habit of “kind of dating” women for months on end. As I quote one of his messages to me, “when things start going good, I’m waiting for the shoe to drop so I can run. The first sign of difficulty or complication, I’m out.” Be careful New Girl.  It may happen when you least expect it.

You may wonder why I want to be friends with him.  I’m still unsure.  There are times when I can’t tell if he is a sincere individual going through a hard time or if he’s just trying to see if he can keep me on the hook.  The fact that I know this, keeps from being on that hook.  It keeps me at arms length until he can prove he’s worthy of that.  You see, I did care about him, and I did love him.  I care for him as a person still, and sometimes I don’t know if he plays on that and manipulates it.  I’m the person who stops on the street if I see another person crying.  I give my left overs to the poor or homeless individuals when I pass them on the street.  I volunteer.  When I see someone in distress, or I hear that someone I know saying things like, “I can’t deal with this world anymore,” I worry.  I care, and I reach out to make sure they know there are people and places in this world that they can lean on and utilize.

I know you say love is easy, but I’m sorry to tell you this…love is not easy.  I suggest you find a married couple who has been together for decades and ask .  Love is complex and routinely compromising.  You are two separate individuals with your own dreams, ideals and expectations.  Love is appreciating that in one another and still standing by each other when those clash.  If you feel love is easy, then I have to question if it is truly love.  Love is being patient with one another when all you want to do is scream because he or you are not holding up to the other’s wants and expectations.  True love is more than just easy work, but digging in when it its needed.  It’s standing by one another when standing by is the hardest thing to do and still respecting one another.  Love is smiling and laughing when you really want to strangle each other because something one of you has done has made the life for the other a little bit harder.  Please talk to a couple who has been together for 30+ years.  Do not fall into the trap of “oh it’s a year or two and it’s easy,” so this is  what love really is.  A few years is nothing and does not speak to the deepness of your love for one another.  A few years can still be puppy love. In fact your boy was in puppy love with his ex before me for 3 years.  Work was not required until after that 3 year mark, and once work was needed, he began emotional affairs with other women. I’m only letting you know to warn you. I’m sure he may have already told you this as he did with me after were dating for several months.  It started with…she kept accusing me of cheating and I wasn’t…until the story fully came out months later.

I do hope you open your eyes and find security in who you are, as well as security in who the two of you are together.  But please realize, he would not be writing novels back to his ex if he was not getting something from it.  In fact, I fear he may be manipulating you to feel sorry for him as this is his MO.   I do wish you happiness and good luck, but I also wish you safety.

Sincerely,

The Ex who talks to your Boy.

 

If the link does not work above, here is the post address. http://thoughtcatalog.com/meggy-chen/2017/05/to-the-girl-who-cant-get-over-my-boy/

Advertisements

19 thoughts on “Oh Honey, Remove your Rose Colored Glasses

  1. Gosh…women and relationships…jealousy..mistrust..no confidence. It can all become exhausting! From this 45 year old to all the confused women: spend some time alone learning who you are and gaining trust with your purpose, your needs and your unique individualism. Relationships come quite easy when you are in the right place of mind. xo! D Be You and Thrive

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Right? I sat there going…unless you see what the discussion is, you can’t make assumptions. My discussions with any of my exes are not at all what I think their current GFs or ladies they are dating would think. lol.

      But I also feel that relationships, true relations require more than just “easy work.” To truly be in relationships with someone, it requires some ups and down and figuring out who you both are together.

      Like

  2. I am so glad that for my husband, I was his first love and he was my first love too. I have heard really horrible cases of some ex’es really screwing their other halves after breaking up. Sigh.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Yeah relationships have their up and downs. Every relationship are different, and I still have good communication with my ex, as we have a son together.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I can’t help but think of something Dr Laura has said over and over throughout the years. That you should date a minimum or two years in order to really get to know someone. It takes that long to see how they handle themselves in all kind of situations (like past girlfriends). In my case, I’ve never stayed connected to men from the past. Somehow I wasn’t able to be as fully present for the man of my present and it wasn’t worth it to navigate any weirdness that my current partner may feel because of it. Honestly, I take my hat off to those who can make it work, but for me, it’s a little easier to put everything into one relationship at a time. Great post and food for thought! x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Honestly, I find social media helps. You can still be “connected” with someone, but not have to put that physicality into it of spending a lot of time together. With each of my exes, I have a separate type of friendship. One is a great advice giver. Another loves the same shows that I do. THe first in this instance, I talk to more often. The latter, we talk when the shows we both love have an incredible episode.

      Like

  5. Lessons are not one size fits all… we each have our own path, right? She will learn whatever she is meant to learn from the experience. She will feel whatever she is meant to feel. And she will move on (however that may look for her) whenever she’s ready. But wouldn’t it be nice if we could prevent someone else from going through it before it hurts too much? *sigh*

    Great post!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Staying friends with an ex is tough. When my 11 year marriage broke down my ex husband and I found it very hard to stay friends. There were so many raw emotions there, so much anger and hate and pointing of fingers, but now, 7 years later he is definitely someone I would consider a friend and I often tell him to treat his new wife with the respect he lacked with me.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. The scary thing here is that this letter reminds me a lot of things that happened with my ex. Although she suffers from borderline personality disorder. I wonder if the ex boyfriend does here in this case. Gaslighting, insecurity, and not feeling good about a relationship are all symptoms of this disorder.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Relationships are complicated! I totally agree with you that first few years of any relationship are puppy love. No one is perfect so it’s better to move on rather than suffer on a daily basis!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Talk about DRAMA. I really commend the “ex-girlfriend” reaching out to the new girlfriend. Although it may not be something that someone may want to hear, it may be a way for the ex-girl to heal and the new girl to take as a fair warning.

    PRETTYFITFOODIE.COM

    Liked by 1 person

  10. What a waste of time to write a letter to someone else in a relationship with an EX. It’s called EX for a reason. I’m sorry, but she needs to move on. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  11. If past is gone and we cannot catch it then why to run after ex. Embrace future and don’t run after ex. Because remember when everything is lost then future always remains and shines for you.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s