Oh Honey, Remove your Rose Colored Glasses

I recently read a blog post from one woman to her boyfriend’s ex.  Apparently she feels this woman wanted her boyfriend back, and by what she writes, it seems like.  You can read the original post here. However, unless her boyfriend is sharing these messages, I have to question how she knows what’s actually being said .  Unfortunately there was no comment box available to ask.  As someone who is still in contact with my ex, and is friends with several exs, I felt the need to respond.

Dear Girl Dating my Ex,

I fear you may have the wrong idea.  You see, I was you once.  I had that sweet and adoring relationship with your boy, my ex.  It started off with the slow build up and became something that I felt was wonderful.  Like you, we had met a few months after his last relationship and felt “I am here to stay” within the few months after we met. He still had contact with his ex prior to me, and like you, I thought she wasn’t able to get over him.  I thought, oh she’ll move on.   Of course he wants to be still be in her life. He doesn’t have romantic feelings for her, but she was an important person in his life.  I too was in the shoes you are in now.

Your boy and I have discussed our relationship in order to establish a baseline for our friendship.  I’m sorry to tell you though, that he brings up the emotional issues and things we did together to this day.  It is him that initiates telling me how bad he feels for the way he treated me. It is him who will say how horribly he treated me randomly. It is also him that eludes to possible reconciliation at some point in the future.  I think you should also know that when his ex before me had moved on before him, it was him who was upset about it.  He was depressed for weeks and felt betrayed. He felt she had never truly cared for him.  So while you may you think that you are “here to stay,” I think you should know this is not something new.  This is a habit of his.  It is something he does with every ex.  When we move on and are happy, it upsets him and causes him to reach out.  He wants to know he still has a hold.

You see, things were wonderful for months, but at some point he couldn’t hold it together any more.  He began mistreating me, yelling, calling names and gaslighting. He was extremely  manipulative, and when I would come to him with things that needed to be worked on, he’s response wouldn’t be to discuss. He would ask if I thought he was that horrible of a person. It was him who was still looking around, and in fact we hadn’t broken up yet when you two officially met. He began blowing me off or standing me up.  It was him, who when I would try to work things out after we fought or would come to him to discuss the things that were unacceptable, who would call me crazy.  I asked for basic respect and instead would be insulted and yelled at.  I hope you don’t experience this, but this is a track record of his. 

Naturally when he wanted to be friends, these things needed to be discussed. It was not because I wanted him back, but because in order to be friends with someone who treated me horribly, I needed explanations.  There were things that needed to be smoothed over in order for me to accept him back into my life, even platonically.  Oh, that’s one other thing you should know.  He pursued the friendship.  He wanted to “talk again.”  I also feel it is necessary to tell you that in those months that he slowly won your heart, he was still telling me he still had feelings for me.

You may also find it interesting that he tells me how miserable he is all the time.  He’s unhappy with his life.  He doesn’t feel like the people he likes romantically and are attracted to, feel the same way back. He’s currently struggling with a deep depression according to our conversations.   As his current girl, I think you may want to know. He feels he will be alone forever and that he has no one.  This is what he tells me. What he says to me is completely different than the image you paint in your letter.  It seems you may have some things to talk about within your relationship if his friendship with me causes you so much distress. You may also want to confirm you are actually in one in his eyes.

You see, he has a habit of “kind of dating” women for months on end. As I quote one of his messages to me, “when things start going good, I’m waiting for the shoe to drop so I can run. The first sign of difficulty or complication, I’m out.” Be careful New Girl.  It may happen when you least expect it.

You may wonder why I want to be friends with him.  I’m still unsure.  There are times when I can’t tell if he is a sincere individual going through a hard time or if he’s just trying to see if he can keep me on the hook.  The fact that I know this, keeps from being on that hook.  It keeps me at arms length until he can prove he’s worthy of that.  You see, I did care about him, and I did love him.  I care for him as a person still, and sometimes I don’t know if he plays on that and manipulates it.  I’m the person who stops on the street if I see another person crying.  I give my left overs to the poor or homeless individuals when I pass them on the street.  I volunteer.  When I see someone in distress, or I hear that someone I know saying things like, “I can’t deal with this world anymore,” I worry.  I care, and I reach out to make sure they know there are people and places in this world that they can lean on and utilize.

I know you say love is easy, but I’m sorry to tell you this…love is not easy.  I suggest you find a married couple who has been together for decades and ask .  Love is complex and routinely compromising.  You are two separate individuals with your own dreams, ideals and expectations.  Love is appreciating that in one another and still standing by each other when those clash.  If you feel love is easy, then I have to question if it is truly love.  Love is being patient with one another when all you want to do is scream because he or you are not holding up to the other’s wants and expectations.  True love is more than just easy work, but digging in when it its needed.  It’s standing by one another when standing by is the hardest thing to do and still respecting one another.  Love is smiling and laughing when you really want to strangle each other because something one of you has done has made the life for the other a little bit harder.  Please talk to a couple who has been together for 30+ years.  Do not fall into the trap of “oh it’s a year or two and it’s easy,” so this is  what love really is.  A few years is nothing and does not speak to the deepness of your love for one another.  A few years can still be puppy love. In fact your boy was in puppy love with his ex before me for 3 years.  Work was not required until after that 3 year mark, and once work was needed, he began emotional affairs with other women. I’m only letting you know to warn you. I’m sure he may have already told you this as he did with me after were dating for several months.  It started with…she kept accusing me of cheating and I wasn’t…until the story fully came out months later.

I do hope you open your eyes and find security in who you are, as well as security in who the two of you are together.  But please realize, he would not be writing novels back to his ex if he was not getting something from it.  In fact, I fear he may be manipulating you to feel sorry for him as this is his MO.   I do wish you happiness and good luck, but I also wish you safety.

Sincerely,

The Ex who talks to your Boy.

 

If the link does not work above, here is the post address. http://thoughtcatalog.com/meggy-chen/2017/05/to-the-girl-who-cant-get-over-my-boy/