Authenticity · Growing Pains · Introduction · Letting go · Life · Meandering Thoughts · mindfulness · positivity · Self Discovery · Uncategorized

Chamber of Secrets

** This blog has been helpful in opening up about my panic disorder, and from my last post, I’m noticing I’m not alone in experiencing these feelings.  Those of you who read and left comments, you are truly wonderful.  It’s great to know that it’s not uncommon to go through these experiences.  You are so uplifting.  Thank you so much**

Everyone has those few things they keep close to their hearts. Some of them may be deep and dark. Others are those light, airy secrets that we feel are the end of the world but really are no big deal.  This blog was started as a way to open up about one of my biggest secrets, my panic disorder.  Ironically, I’m not that quiet about it once I get to know someone or let people in.  I’ll talk about it to coworkers, friends, family, etc. when anyone asks.  But there are still more secrets that I’m keeping.

  • My favorite song is As Long As You Love Me by the Backstreet Boys. – Yes, I was a teeny bopper, and BSB was my group of choice.  Don’t get me wrong…I loved NSYNC, 98 Degrees, etc, but I never missed a BSB tour.  To this day, I still buy every CD and will listen to their music.  I love rocking out to their first album songs that got me hooked. Even when people ask, I never say this out loud for fear of ridicule. The looks people give you….don’t judge!
  • I have an addiction to Diet Coke. – I haven’t tasted it in over a year, but I have a strong addiction to diet coke.  I’m not able to have just one glass.  Once I start, I begin drinking it on a daily basis and soon move to drinking it all day.  I used to wake up every morning, buy an iced coffee, and then drink about 6 to 8 cans of diet coke just to get me through the work day.  I still crave it to this day and fight the urge whenever I see anyone with a glass of it.  I know people always give diet coke drinkers a hard time, especially since regular coke has come out to be better for you.  BUT regular coke gives me a stomach ache.  I feel nauseous whenever I drink it. My body no longer accepts regular coke.

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  •  I miss having a dad. – I know this makes no sense.  I don’t miss the yelling, the hitting or the emotional neglect.  In fact, I’m quite happy with it out of my life, and I believe it was the best thing to happen to me.  However, my dad was still my dad.  I miss everything that meant.  I adore my step-dad.  He is an incredible person.  But it’s just not the same. Yes, there was a lot of turmoil and abuse, but there were some good times when I was a child.  May be it’s the concept behind what a Dad is.  Either way, I miss it.
  • I hate sitting in the house, but I also hate having to go out. – If I have nothing to do, I end up feeling a bit down.  If I have to go do something, I resent having to get out of bed.  What can I say?  I’m complex.
  • Sometimes, I wonder what would happen if the door popped open while I’m driving. – Somewhat morbid, I know.  It always happens when I’m on a road trip and getting tired of driving.  I wonder if I’d have cat-like reflexes thanks to adrenaline, or if I’d just fall out of the car in shock and roll on the pavement. I always picture those fantastic sequences in action movies, and I’d love to see myself as someone who could react quickly and gracefully.  But lets be honest…I’m a klutz.  I’m pretty sure I’d never react fast enough.
  • I still wonder what love is. – Everyone seems to have their own definition of love, and I’m still not sure what mine is.  Is it that high fly ball over the left field wall?  *Brownie points if you get that reference* Or is it the ability to spend days and nights with someone without getting tired of their presence?  Is it being able to laugh together or passion? To this day, I really have no clue.
  • I don’t think we’re all going to hell. – I’m not sure why.  I know so many people who look at the world today and see it as the hand basket we’re all being delivered in.  I honestly don’t think that.  Yes, there is fear and hate and anger.  But I believe people are innately good.  I think love is at the core of the majority of human beings, and hope is prominent in the world.

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  • Scary movies and stories are some of my favorite things. – This is completely crazy for someone with anxiety issues.  I love listening to podcasts like the No Sleep Podcast. I find its stories to be addicting and I can’t take my ear buds out.  Scary movies are my absolute favorite.  There’s something about them that excites me.
  • I NEVER stop caring about people. – Even when I should, or when I’m in my rights to be mean or cruel to others who have purposely hurt me, I still care.  I never wish them harm, and I know if something came up, I would always answer their call and help.  I will think of them off and on and at random times. Whether that makes me a pushover, I’m not sure.
  •  If I could, I’m not sure I’d change my life. – Of course there are things I would love to be doing and avenues I would have loved to explore.  I always think of what I would do if I won the lottery, but I’m not sure I’d really change much. I’d pay off debts, pay off my parents debt, buy my brother his own restaurant, etc.  But I’m not sure I’d do anything major.  I’d love to take away my anxiety or panic attacks, but even that….I don’t know.

Do you have any silly secrets that you hold onto for no reason?  Is there anything you are holding close to your chest?  Is there something small that you’ve never even thought about telling others because…there is no reason to?

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63 thoughts on “Chamber of Secrets

  1. Hi sweetie! I too suffer from panic attacks. They have been getting better over he years and I hope you do to, I can relate to many things you shared. I don’t really have a secret, just that I hide it well. I smile, but at the end of the day when I hit that bed, its my safe, happy place!

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    1. Thank you. The whole point of the blog is to open up and be more “authentic.” To let my freak flag fly….I’m hoping it will help in discovering more self worth and acceptance.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Panic attacks are no fun. Though I have not had them before this year, They always seem to come when I do not want them to. I am getting better at preventing them at times though. I to can relate to many of the things you posted. The Backstreet Boys one Totally can relate to that. I started with New Kids on the Block and moved to BSB. Though I have only been to one concert.

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    1. I’m sorry to hear you just started experiencing these but it’s great that you’ve found a way to prevent them sometimes! Being cognizant of your needs is so important!.

      Donnie was my favorite KNOTBer. Lol. I didn’t really fall in love with them since I was so little, but BSB…all the way!

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  3. Hi lovely, this is a beautiful post, thank you for sharing. It really shows so much bravery from your part to be able to sharing these personal things. I too still love BSB – they are the best. They were by far my favourite boyband! ❤

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  4. So sorry to hear about your panic attack! A morning practice will help you so much love!!! Meditation seems really weird at first but it cured my anxiety and unleashed so much greatness in my life!!! You should totally try it. xo

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  5. I hope you over come your panic attacks. I used to suffer from them too. When I started meditating and viewing life in a more positive way my panic attacks slowly diminished. I can’t remember the last time I had one and I pray they don’t ever come back. My addiction is coffee in which I try my hardest to have only 2 cup a day. I lost my dad when I was 18 and my mom a few years ago. But I deal with it by knowing their bodies only died and they are with me every second of the day spiritually.

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    1. I’ve tried yoga, and I’m definitely not a class kinda person. lol. I get so distracted by the people around me and how I may not be doing it right. Meditation I need to pick up more.

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  6. I had nocturnal panic attacks for a long time (and still do, though much less often), where I would wake up having a panic attack. They’re awful. ><

    I'm not sure what secrets I would share off the top of my head. I don't have any small guilty ones because I'm pretty open about all that stuff and don't believe in guilty pleasures. I relate to a lot of yours–especially the one about the door opening while driving, except for me I always imagine the steering going out around a sharp corner, or the brakes going out. (Part of my anxiety issues is that my mind is constantly playing a reel of things that could go catastrophically wrong and kill me or people I love, which is not fun to deal with.)

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    1. I completely understand that anxiety. My mind used to do that a lot, and it still does in times of high stress. I carry a small notebook with me at all times and write one page those unrealistic thoughts and then on the opposite pages, the realistic thoughts. When I go into that reel of what ifs….I force myself to reread the realistic page.

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  7. This is such a beautiful post, you are really brave to share this ❤ I can totally relate to what you said about going out. I hate sitting in the house but I hate the effort of getting ready to go out haha x

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  8. I love backstreet boys. A big reason is because I got a CD as a kid and it was taken away as bad music and that made me want it even more. So I listen to every song and buy all their stuff!! It’s on my rotation through my playlist. I think my favorie though is Show ‘Em (What You’re Made Of)

    I totally understand the missing having a dad. It’s like a hole, a hole that can’t be replaced and even with everything they put you through you still crave that love.

    I relate so well to this post! I am sorry for commenting on almost every part. Sitting in the house, gosh. It’s one of the reasons I am so happy with the size of my house. I can wander from room to room and enjoy a “new” space without leaving or exposing myself to people. Somedays that means I never roll out of bed. Others I’m on the patio every second.

    A 10 minute drive is usually three or four vision of car accidents for me. I don’t know if this is normal or not. But sometimes driving is a challenge when my head gets in the way. I think your body would respond quicker than you think. I haven’t actually told or written about that come to think of it. And that’s my secret I guess.

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    1. Do not apologize for leaving an awesome comment! I have all their albums too, but I just LOVE the songs from the first one. I don’t know if it’s the nostalgia or what…but LOVE it.

      I miss days of not rolling out of bed. And I’ve definitely had visions of accidents. The “What if” when I’m on long journeys end up being a big thing for me. Thanks for sharing your secret!

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    1. That secret is probably one of the most common ones we all seem to share. Lol. Someone, somewhere, please make an in between to this! There has to be a going out/staying in type of activity. If not, we all need to come up with one.

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  9. I grew up in a household that didn’t believe in anxiety and depression which made growing up with these disorders so much worse. When I found out that I wasn’t the only one it made my world a Lil brighter. Thanks for sharing!

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  10. I started having some panic attacks last year: not often but the memories of those I had still make me panic (ah, the irony) even now that I have been free of them for some months. I used to keep it a secret, until it happened very publicly and guess what? No one looked at me like a martian, and found many people ready to help me.
    My secret? When I feel the anxiety overcoming my logic, I have long conversations with myself (really talking not thinking) when I try to make irrational me think logically.

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    1. It can definitely be a struggle to think rationally during an attack. It’s so impressive that you’ve been able to do so! Also, it’s awesome that you’ve been able to keep panic attacks at bay for so long!

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  11. I also have an addiction to Diet Coke…shhhhh. 😉 Recently I just opened up about my husband’s anxiety and panic disorders. They started shortly after we married last December. It’s been quite the struggle and strain on our relationship, and it’s very hard to let people know about what we’re struggling with. Although I’ve never had a panic attack, my husband has had too many to count including to ER visits and I my heart aches for him every time they come on. I only wish you the best, and that you find peace within your panic disorder. Also, it’s so great that you’ve opened up about your secrets! They were fun to read. 🙂

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    1. I’ve done 2 ER visits as well…just to have them tell me it’s a panic attack and to go home and rest. I’ve learned the signs for me so I don’t mistake them for a heart attack any longer, but at first I invested in my own blood pressure monitor. If a heart attack or fearing that the attack is an actual heart attack is a big fear for your husband, definitely looking into getting one. All you need is two AA batteries, and it’ll go right on his wrist. It put my mind at ease during the worst of it, and it may help him too.

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  12. You are courageous for being able to put yourself out there and show your true self to the world, fears and flaws and all. And I’m with you on BSB! I was so obsessed with Nick Carter, I threw a little party to celebrate his birthday. Haha

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  13. My secret: since 3 years ago I start having anxiety attacks and your post gave me courage to say it. I can see now that I am not from a different planet and there are many people suffering panic or anxiety attacks and that’s makes me a normal person.

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    1. It is very normal. I suggest reading some of the comments here and almost all of them on my last post. You are certainly not alone! I realized that from a bunch of the comments!

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  14. I’m probably not the best person to ask about love… all I can say at the moment is it hurts! I’ve started getting anxiety issues lately, because of it.

    Thanks for opening up and sharing. It does help.

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  15. I can totally relate to this post ! First of all, when my friend drag me out of the house to do something fun, I don’t want to go out , I just want to sit there and complain about how boring life is but when I go, I’m having so much fun. My secret is that even tho my dad left since I’m 1 years old, I’m not that happy that he’s back in my life now; after 18 years. He actually didn’t change, does the the same mistakes as before ( which are the reasons why my mom asked for divorce) … I could go on and on but I’m glad I could let it all out

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    1. I’m happy you feel a bit better. Many people make the same mistakes over and over, especially if they don’t really see them as mistakes to begin with. I’m not saying your dad does, but that’s just from my own observation. It can be very hard to change. A lot of effort and energy needs to go into it.

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  16. It’s great that opening up about your secret online is helping you. Feeling free from secrets (especially the ones that bring you down) is actually one of the best feeling in live. Good luck in your journey

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  17. I also feel depressed once I have nothing to do. I home-school my kids and also blog full time…somehow weekends feel weird and have become something I do not look forward to.

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