Lately I’ve had several people comment on my faith, how spiritual connected I am or am not. Needless to say, it’s getting under my skin. I’m starting to feel this anger within myself that I haven’t had before. A person’s faith is such an intimate aspect of themselves that I find it strange that other feels it’s suitable to comment on. Within a span of two weeks, I had two individuals call me a doubting Thomas and another tell me I was spiritually sound. It floored me. I thought judgment on another’s faith was unchristian-like to begin with.
I immediately felt the need to defend myself, and my relationship with my God. But of course….I just smiled and acted shocked. I believe my response was, “Wow…most people say I have a wonderful relationship,” and smiled through it. Part of me wishes I spoke up, that I had defended myself and my faith; yet another part of me feels that saying nothing is just right. My relationship with the Lord is my relationship, and there shouldn’t be a need to defend it. It shouldn’t be open for debate. Then I began thinking to myself what is it that makes other think I don’t have enough faith….and I keep thinking about it.
I believe in God fully. He’s there, and he guides me. I believe that his son walked this Earth. What I continually struggle with isn’t that they exist, but the love everyone says they have for me. I question my validity as someone worthy of saving. Do I give back? Do I help those in need? Most importantly, do I do it for the right reasons? I have a hard time grasping the concept that I don’t need to do anything to be deserving of sacrifice and love. It’s not something I’m familiar with. So when I do offer rides to the old man down the street, or give my food to a homeless woman, I wonder if I have some subconscious desire to do so to please…and not to just help out of my heart.
But why exactly is that open to comment? Why do my feelings about myself and my worthiness up for debate and commentary? That I will never understand. I’m not sure why these people were so open about making statements about it. Am I just being too sensitive?
I’m still holding myself to the constraints I was taught as a child. I was raised Catholic and many ways consider myself Catholic. As an adult I drifted away from Catholicism, and more towards non-denominationalism. Is that a word? If not, let’s make it a word. Some of the “rules” the Church required obedience towards started to not make sense to me. They still don’t, but I continue to question myself when I break them. Not going to confession but accepting communion, I struggle with. Even though my current church has no rules about this, I wonder if I’m doing something dishonest. Am I being judged?
Apparently I am but by my peers. What upsets me the most is that I thought I was able to come off as not having these doubts in myself. I do my best to keep my questions, personal scoreboard and personal rules to myself. Yet, somehow I still come off as a doubter.